Me: Not now.
Craving: It’s me.
Me: Please don’t be cute. I’m very busy.
Craving: I wish we had a jumbo bag of jellybeans right now. We love jellybeans, don’t we?
Me: I’m working.
Craving: Did I mention they were at the store? You know, that Hasty Market down the street with its bright red lettering, the kind of red that embraces you, soothes you, entices you…
Me: Go away.
Craving: …Like McDonald’s red. We love McDonald’s red, don’t we? We’d eat a thousand bleached burger patties and five million not-chicken McNuggets if we could, wouldn’t we?
Craving: I know, I know, I digress. Back to jellybeans…
Me: …Please stop…
Craving: Fine. Be that way. We’d still have some left if you hadn’t hoovered the last handful on Friday.
Me: I ate until I couldn’t feel my tongue anymore.
Craving: I know. That was an awesome day. I gotta say, the cherry on top was that night when you ate your son’s leftover birthday cake.
Me: That cake was for everybody.
Craving: Oh yeah? Then why did you wait until everyone was asleep? Did your son even know it was there?
Me: He doesn’t eat cake.
Craving: Well, we’ll never know, will we?
Me: Did I mention I’m working?
Craving: Testy. You must be crashing. You need sugar. I think I saw cookies in someone’s lunch bag in the kitchen. You should do a walk-by.
Me: I can’t go into someone’s lunch.
Craving: Oh, that’s the line, is it?
Me: What do you mean?
Craving: You think I take a vacation from the Greek tragedy that is your brain? I see you empty buffet desserts into your purse. I see you eviscerate the vending machine when it eats your change. I don’t judge. I facilitate. And right now, I can tell you need sugar.
Me: I eat healthy!
Craving: You eat healthy portions, sweetie. I don’t see the “crap” category anywhere on the food guide pyramid.
Me: Maybe I’ll make tea.
Craving: Oh yes, make tea, that will totally hit the spot. “Candy” “Chamomile” – they’re practically related. Why don’t you swizzle a Mars bar in there just for me.
Me: Or some baby carrots?
Craving: Do you think I’m going to get quieter if you stuff me full of genetically modified beta-carotene?
Me: Okay, okay, maybe just once piece of chocolate.
Craving: See, that’s your problem right there. We both know that it’s never just one piece of anything. You know what? I’m taking over. I’m holding your self-control hostage. Feed me what I want or I’ll mail it back to you in pieces.
Me: Um…you’re not –
Craving: What’s that? Speak up, I can’t hear you over the sound of your stomach rumbling. I’m not what?
Me: (barely whispering) …You’re not the boss of me…
Craving: Oh really? Let me ask you this: who tells you it’s ok to eat half a bag of Oreos with your can of Zinfandel after a full day of managing two cyclones under the age of five? Who has broadened your palate and exposed you to the world of macarons and salted caramel? Before me, did you even know you could have chocolate and cayenne at the same time? Who soothes you late at night when you lie awake worrying about your finances, your family, your future? Me and Frito Lay, that’s who. I am your best friend. No, check that. I am your only friend.
Me: You make my pants tight.
Craving: It’s called elastic honey. They make pants that stretch now.
Me: I have a blap. My belly and my lap are one. I didn’t have that before.
Craving: Sorry, was there something you needed to tend to down there? Now you’re interested in grooming?
Me: I’m just saying, I don’t need to defer to your judgment all the time.
Me: I mean you are a friend, don’t get me wrong. I love when we hang out and I eat like a shark in a feeding frenzy and my eyes roll up in my head and then I black out. I mean, that’s fun and everything. But the next day I feel terrible and I feel like you’re the friend who secretly copies pages of my diary while I’m unconscious and pastes them all over the walls at school. You’re like a friend and then you’re the opposite. A frenemy.
Craving: So, where do we go from here?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe crave something other than food? How about sex?
(Pause. Both erupt into laughter.)
Me: (Wiping tears) Sorry, I couldn’t keep a straight face.
Craving: You almost had me!
Me: Haha, can you imagine?
Craving: So, about those jellybeans…?
Me: Yeah sure, I got you boo. Let’s eat until we go blind.
Craving: I love you.
Me: I know.